There's always bits of unfinished business creeping up from my past. I hate to dwell on my past too much-it forces me to think about the person I used to be, which sometimes, I'd rather forget about. Right now, however, I feel like it's necessary. I'm about to close one chapter of my life and begin a new one. The people I care very much for surround myself with are creating memories of their own, too. My best friend is now a parent to an amazing little boy that I can't get enough of. The next chapter in my life, I feel, is going to be a good one. But, in order to move forward, there is something I need to do.
A few years back, there was someone I connected with and cared for very much. The timing was all wrong, the circumstances were not right, and all odds were stacked against us. But the truth is, he was and still is an amazing person. Unfortunately, due to a few miscommunications, a mistake on my part, and a horrible falling out resulting from it, we are no longer in contact and possibly never will be again. I wrote him a letter while I was still in high school, during this whole fiasco that I never gave him. I truly believe that if I had, things would have been different. I found it a few minutes ago while I was packing. I understand that the past is the past and it all happened for a reason, but I'm finally ready to share my confession, even if he will never read it, I feel like it would help me move on to put it out there for the world to see. So here goes...word for word, me spilling my heart out in September of 2003...
You once told me that time is the best cure for everything, especially emotions. Now, more than ever, I hope you are right. There were times when you told me I really WAS a good person. When I told you of my insecurities, you were the one who told me I shouldn't feel that way about myself...and you meant it. You were someone I could connect with on completely different level...and then...it all changed...
I know I'm never going to forget that night even if I tried. It all started out innocently enough. I just listened to what was on your mind, realizing how bad your situation with her really was. I hated to see you hurting like that...I know you didn't deserve to be treated like that. And when you asked yourself quietly who else out there would love and accept everything about you...It...took a lot not to just come out and tell you that I would...and that she never completely did in the first place.
By then, you're speaking barely above a whisper. I'll never forget that moment-I was looking at you in a completely different light when you said my name, so quietly...It seemed like hours later you pulled into my driveway.
So we walked. You told me I was acting strangely...and I knew I was. I guess it was the sudden change in how I felt...I don't know if I was completely ready for how I was feeling. I just remember trying to explain to you how I was afraid of my own emotions. You asked me a pretty loaded question, one that I was not ready to answer truthfully. Were you really convinced? You had your hands on my shoulders and you looked directly into my eyes and asked me to make you a promise. The look on your eyes was so intense that any rational thought was gone, and I made you a promise that I regret to say, you and I both broke.
But it all felt right. We were comfortable, it was like this was meant to happen. It felt so normal to allow myself to be close to you, taking everything about you in.
But I could still see the pain in your eyes...and I realized that I most likely made things worse instead of better. All I wanted to do at that point was take you in my arms and somehow get you out of this mess. I never did get to sleep that night, even after you left.
Then, somehow, it all went terribly wrong. There was so much anger, so much resentment...but as quickly as it came, it was replaced by something else. You were on my mind...despite everything, the circumstances, I still cared. And I still do.
There's so much more to you than you let yourself be. I see you and I see this truly amazing person with so much determination and passion. I see this ability to love with everything you have...I see this talent, desire, and so much more that I can't even put into words. It drives me crazy that I see you every day and I can't even talk to you. I also hate seeing you with her because I know she's only going to hurt you again. And I hate that she doesn't see what I see because if she did, she would've never let you go.
It's crazy how you were always there all this time and I never realized what you meant to me. But even if I had, it probably wouldn't have mattered then...but still...
The only thing I can do now is just hope that maybe, just maybe things will fall into place...Because never in my life have I felt this for anyone...and I don't want to let it just slip away...
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