A few days ago, I went to visit a good friend of mine. I walked into his strangely empty apartment, devoid of his wife's things scattered everywhere like they used to be to find him in the living room, watching their wedding video. I sat beside him and revisited that beautiful day in June. It was such a good day that brought a very close group of friends even closer. We all bonded in ways I won't even attempt to put into words.
The screen went black and we sat in silence until he turned to me and said, "What happened?"
What did happen?
I know I haven't had much to say lately. I've been going with the whole 'If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' idea for the past few months. I didn't want to be a downer or a complainer, but the reality is, everything fell apart since that summer wedding. I've decided to let myself vent. I've earned that right.
Since then, that group of friends that has been like family to me has been torn in half. That marriage has failed. He is alone and she is back at her parent's house.
Since then, I found someone that made me happy. Someone I thought was different-unfortunately, I thought wrong. This relationship failed for things I've seen a million times along with reasons I've never even had to try to fathom before-and I did things I always swore I'd never do. I went against everything I believed in and made a choice I'll have to live with the rest of my life. When I look at the circumstances in plain, black and white logic, the choice I made seems like the right choice. But, when I consider my own morals, my beliefs, my past, my experiences, and my priorities for my future, I get overwhelmed with guilt, and unfortunately, a twinge of regret. But when the people you need the most either turn your back on you or aren't in a position to share this experience with, you are forced to stand on your own. And when you're forced to stand on your own, you make your decisions based solely on what's right for you in that moment.
Everything leading up to this has created distance between myself and the people I need the most.
In the past few months, I've wiped out my savings more than once to keep my car running so I can work and keep my head above water. I've watched my family suffer financially more than I am. I sit back and watch them live off of food from a food bank at a church and turn their heat down so low that they can see their breath at night because the oil bill is too high. And all I can do is sit back and watch.
Seeing this made me even more determined to get through college, get a good career, and make a better life for myself-and my parents, only to get hit with another obstacle. My college career may be coming to a screeching halt after this semester, for a number of complicated scholarship and loan reasons that I won't bore anyone with. But the bottom line is-one of those scholarships will be nonexistent next year and there's almost no chance I'll be approved for the loan I'd need next year. The government won't give me any money for college. Next year, I might just have to start right back where I began...working two jobs, living paycheck to paycheck.
I don't need a shoulder to cry on or a pity party, but I know I need a friend right now. But with everything going on, everyone's occupied with their own issues right now. I feel like everything that's happened has created distance between myself and the people that mean the most to me. So I feel like I'm just left to fend for myself again.
And that...that is why I feel I've earned the right to a good, healthy rant.
So that's what happened.