6

"I'll never do that..."

Amazing how life makes you eat your words. There are many things I swore to myself I'd never do-and I did them anyway.
And it strikes it again. I contradicted myself.
Chalk it up as a live and learn/dirty little secret to add to the collection.

Of all my demon spirits I need you the most.

So you do remember...I must admit, you had me fooled.
I wish that bit of information could have offered me some sort of clarity or comfort.
I can't believe how insensitive you can be sometimes. I want to be proud of myself for being honest, but you made me regret saying anything in the first place.
I can't help but feel like I just rebuilt a wall I've been struggling to break down for so long.


But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be...

Change

So here I go blogging again. All the cool kids are doing it, so I figured, why not?
Aside from my pathetic attempt at humor, the past couple of days made me realize I need an outlet. A place to get my thoughts in order. While I'd prefer to seek out my close friends, some of which are good listeners, I feel like they've heard my story many times. I'm starting to feel like I'm bothering some of them more than anything else. So here I am.
All week I've felt something like a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any second. I'm under a lot of stress right now-every aspect of my life is a little off-balance right now. Yesterday, I finally sent out the SOS to a handful of people I call my close friends. I typically don't drop the "I need a friend" card often, but when I do, it's usually not without good reason. Sadly enough, I was unsuccessful in finding anyone willing to lend an ear. I don't think I'm unreasonable-I don't ask for a pity party, I don't ask for people to drop everything and come rushing to my side anytime life throws me a curveball, and I understand that the world does not, in fact, revolve around me. But I was disappointed and I was hurt.
Unable to bear the thought of sitting around in my empty apartment any longer, I walked to the bar closest to my house and drank my worries away during happy hour. Did I feel mildly pathetic sitting at a bar alone? Yes. Did I care at that point? No. I'd rather venture out somewhere on my own than mope around my apartment wallowing in self-pity. So I drank too much and stumbled home to drink some more.
I'm fully aware that this isn't the healthiest way to deal with my emotions, but I don't know what else to do at this point. The people I used to turn to seem irritated with me now. I don't want to burden anyone anymore. I miss my friends. I miss the way things used to be.
But I know I can't turn back time. I know things happened the way they did for a reason. I'd like to truly believe that they are for the best, even though I'm not there yet...eventually, I'd like to believe that... I know I can only move forward from here...

Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be okay
Till you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again
Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hands
Change