A few days ago, I went to visit a good friend of mine. I walked into his strangely empty apartment, devoid of his wife's things scattered everywhere like they used to be to find him in the living room, watching their wedding video. I sat beside him and revisited that beautiful day in June. It was such a good day that brought a very close group of friends even closer. We all bonded in ways I won't even attempt to put into words.
The screen went black and we sat in silence until he turned to me and said, "What happened?"
What did happen?
I know I haven't had much to say lately. I've been going with the whole 'If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' idea for the past few months. I didn't want to be a downer or a complainer, but the reality is, everything fell apart since that summer wedding. I've decided to let myself vent. I've earned that right.
Since then, that group of friends that has been like family to me has been torn in half. That marriage has failed. He is alone and she is back at her parent's house.
Since then, I found someone that made me happy. Someone I thought was different-unfortunately, I thought wrong. This relationship failed for things I've seen a million times along with reasons I've never even had to try to fathom before-and I did things I always swore I'd never do. I went against everything I believed in and made a choice I'll have to live with the rest of my life. When I look at the circumstances in plain, black and white logic, the choice I made seems like the right choice. But, when I consider my own morals, my beliefs, my past, my experiences, and my priorities for my future, I get overwhelmed with guilt, and unfortunately, a twinge of regret. But when the people you need the most either turn your back on you or aren't in a position to share this experience with, you are forced to stand on your own. And when you're forced to stand on your own, you make your decisions based solely on what's right for you in that moment.
Everything leading up to this has created distance between myself and the people I need the most.
In the past few months, I've wiped out my savings more than once to keep my car running so I can work and keep my head above water. I've watched my family suffer financially more than I am. I sit back and watch them live off of food from a food bank at a church and turn their heat down so low that they can see their breath at night because the oil bill is too high. And all I can do is sit back and watch.
Seeing this made me even more determined to get through college, get a good career, and make a better life for myself-and my parents, only to get hit with another obstacle. My college career may be coming to a screeching halt after this semester, for a number of complicated scholarship and loan reasons that I won't bore anyone with. But the bottom line is-one of those scholarships will be nonexistent next year and there's almost no chance I'll be approved for the loan I'd need next year. The government won't give me any money for college. Next year, I might just have to start right back where I began...working two jobs, living paycheck to paycheck.
I don't need a shoulder to cry on or a pity party, but I know I need a friend right now. But with everything going on, everyone's occupied with their own issues right now. I feel like everything that's happened has created distance between myself and the people that mean the most to me. So I feel like I'm just left to fend for myself again.
And that...that is why I feel I've earned the right to a good, healthy rant.
So that's what happened.

The world's a rollercoaster.

Despite a recent string of unfortunate events, I am happy to report that I am happy.
Yes, my car decided to go on vacation. And it's true that I'm dealing with something within myself that I have not faced for over five years.
But times like these make you count your blessings. Times like these make you cast your pride aside and learn to ask for help. Times like these make you realize how lucky you are to have people in your life that come help you when you finally buckle down and ask for help. I'm grateful to have these people in my life. Sometimes, I forget how lucky I am.
It's funny how different pieces of my past come back to haunt me at different times of my life. It made me realize something about myself-I never really solved my problems. I left them unfinished, or denied they ever existed. Unfortunately, ignoring problems do not, in fact, make them go away. They just take a back burner for a few years then hit you hard when you least expect it. It didn't seem like it at the time, but this is a good thing. It's forcing me to handle my unfinished business. Better late than never, I suppose. So here I am. Finally "fixing" myself the best I can. Reinventing a piece of me.
There are people in my life that I want to keep in my life. And I realize that in order to do so, I can't let this rule my life the second time around.
But I'm okay with all of this. I'm okay with everything. I didn't spend a few years on my own, becoming a strong, independent person to let this ruin me.

Maybe I'll actually start writing more often...we shall see.

There will be an answer, let it be.

My life was crazy. I went through hell and back. I was in a never-ending battle with myself, the people I loved the most, and life in general. And I made it.
I came out of this and it made me a better person.
I love the person it made me.
I finally made peace with myself. I'm comfortable in my own skin.
I love the person I've become.

Is it all blue skies?

What's behind the smoke and glass?
Painted faces everyone wears a mask...
..Are you selling them your soul?

Some people are just luckier than others. Some people seem to have the ability to effortlessly obtain the things I wish I could have the most. I'd like to take a moment to point out the injustice of it all, but would also like to mention that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. No one has a perfect life, no matter what it looks like from the outside. It's all a matter of give and take. I realize this now, and am more grateful for the things I have. The good is currently balancing out the bad.
The truth is, I can't really trust the people I thought I could. It's very unsettling. I'm very hurt, I feel extremely betrayed, and I can't even fathom what this particular person would have to gain by going behind my back and saying the things they did. I don't even know what else to say about that. It's sad, it really is.
I've come to realize recently what a survivor I really am-and how many people may never realize the full extent of it. I took a moment to give myself a well deserved pat on the back. In the last decade, I've overcome a mental illness, transformed my body and became a healthier person, went from almost flunking out of high school to attending a good college, moved out of my parent's house, left my comfort zone, and dove in headfirst. And I made it. Sometimes, I barely got by, but I made it. Just when I thought I would never get back up, I would. Looking back at what I've been through and embracing the person I've become, despite the odds that I had stacked against me, I now believe in everyday miracles.
Sometimes, it takes a piece of your history, and essentially a piece of who you are, to make you realize just how lucky you really are.

Blue & Yellow

There's always bits of unfinished business creeping up from my past. I hate to dwell on my past too much-it forces me to think about the person I used to be, which sometimes, I'd rather forget about. Right now, however, I feel like it's necessary. I'm about to close one chapter of my life and begin a new one. The people I care very much for surround myself with are creating memories of their own, too. My best friend is now a parent to an amazing little boy that I can't get enough of. The next chapter in my life, I feel, is going to be a good one. But, in order to move forward, there is something I need to do.
A few years back, there was someone I connected with and cared for very much. The timing was all wrong, the circumstances were not right, and all odds were stacked against us. But the truth is, he was and still is an amazing person. Unfortunately, due to a few miscommunications, a mistake on my part, and a horrible falling out resulting from it, we are no longer in contact and possibly never will be again. I wrote him a letter while I was still in high school, during this whole fiasco that I never gave him. I truly believe that if I had, things would have been different. I found it a few minutes ago while I was packing. I understand that the past is the past and it all happened for a reason, but I'm finally ready to share my confession, even if he will never read it, I feel like it would help me move on to put it out there for the world to see. So here goes...word for word, me spilling my heart out in September of 2003...

You once told me that time is the best cure for everything, especially emotions. Now, more than ever, I hope you are right. There were times when you told me I really WAS a good person. When I told you of my insecurities, you were the one who told me I shouldn't feel that way about myself...and you meant it. You were someone I could connect with on completely different level...and then...it all changed...
I know I'm never going to forget that night even if I tried. It all started out innocently enough. I just listened to what was on your mind, realizing how bad your situation with her really was. I hated to see you hurting like that...I know you didn't deserve to be treated like that. And when you asked yourself quietly who else out there would love and accept everything about you...It...took a lot not to just come out and tell you that I would...and that she never completely did in the first place.
By then, you're speaking barely above a whisper. I'll never forget that moment-I was looking at you in a completely different light when you said my name, so quietly...It seemed like hours later you pulled into my driveway.
So we walked. You told me I was acting strangely...and I knew I was. I guess it was the sudden change in how I felt...I don't know if I was completely ready for how I was feeling. I just remember trying to explain to you how I was afraid of my own emotions. You asked me a pretty loaded question, one that I was not ready to answer truthfully. Were you really convinced? You had your hands on my shoulders and you looked directly into my eyes and asked me to make you a promise. The look on your eyes was so intense that any rational thought was gone, and I made you a promise that I regret to say, you and I both broke.
But it all felt right. We were comfortable, it was like this was meant to happen. It felt so normal to allow myself to be close to you, taking everything about you in.
But I could still see the pain in your eyes...and I realized that I most likely made things worse instead of better. All I wanted to do at that point was take you in my arms and somehow get you out of this mess. I never did get to sleep that night, even after you left.
Then, somehow, it all went terribly wrong. There was so much anger, so much resentment...but as quickly as it came, it was replaced by something else. You were on my mind...despite everything, the circumstances, I still cared. And I still do.
There's so much more to you than you let yourself be. I see you and I see this truly amazing person with so much determination and passion. I see this ability to love with everything you have...I see this talent, desire, and so much more that I can't even put into words. It drives me crazy that I see you every day and I can't even talk to you. I also hate seeing you with her because I know she's only going to hurt you again. And I hate that she doesn't see what I see because if she did, she would've never let you go.
It's crazy how you were always there all this time and I never realized what you meant to me. But even if I had, it probably wouldn't have mattered then...but still...
The only thing I can do now is just hope that maybe, just maybe things will fall into place...Because never in my life have I felt this for anyone...and I don't want to let it just slip away...

Don't forget to remember me.

Every so often, I stumble across an individual that completely changes everything. They have such an impact on me that years and years later, I still think about them often.
I met someone like that when I was 14. Years later, as an adult, I still appreciate the power of his words on a specific night and the person he helped me become from one conversation. On rare occasions, I meet someone that stops me on my tracks completely. 7 years later, that moment hasn't died. Most of my life before I was 18 has drifted away, but there are the select few that have endured time. This includes him.
We had a conversation one Friday night that completely turned my world upside down...I was going in one direction and turned around and went down a completely different road in terms of my life. I went home that night and knew things were never going to be the same after that. And I was right, and I have no regrets. I don't want to think about where my life would have gone had it not been for this person.
Not even 24 hours after this, I see him again in the mall parking lot as he's leaving. He said nothing...but came to me, hugged me for what seemed like forever, and got into his car. Neither of us said a word. That was the last time I saw him.
I tried many times to find him, but each attempt was a failed one.
Then, during my junior year in high school. I reconnected with a mutual friend of ours. Naturally, I had to ask about him. I find out that about a week before this, he got into a serious car accident, sustained a head injury, and lost his memory. He didn't recognize his family or close friends. I was disappointed to find that even if I did find him, thanking him and telling him he changed my life would mean nothing to him. He most likely would not recognize me. From there, I moved along and gave up my search.
Then, just days ago, I found him by accident! (Thank you, Facebook!)
Of course I had to send him a message, fully knowing there was that chance he may not remember me still. But I was willing to take that chance for the possibility of finally telling him everything I should have years ago.
But it still hurt more than I could have imagined when he told me he was sorry, but he had an accident a few years back and had no idea who I was. He asked me politely to please leave him be, as it hurts him more to try to rebuild past relationships with people he may never remember.
I wrote him a message that I never send. I told him how he stopped me from ruining my life. I wrote about how I became a better person after that. I told him that I took the advice that he gave me and haven't regretted a single moment of it. I reminded him that I was there with him the night Mike died...and no matter what, I'd never forget him. Then I erased him from my life forever.
From now on, whether they want to hear it or not, the people I love will know that they mean to me. I don't know that I ever want to put myself through this again-not telling someone exactly how I feel.

...so wait for me this time.

Time, where did you go?

It was like going back in time. I reconnected with a very important piece of my past-I hadn't seen him since I was 16, but it was like those years never happened. My hands were shaking, my heart was pounding-I felt like a teenager again. There was so much unfinished business, so many things left unspoken between us...it was amazing how he and I reconnected and went on like nothing happened. In another place and time, he and I would have been perfect for each other. But, that's life...

I hit a turning point in my life-I'm standing at the metaphorical fork in the road. It could not have been a better time for a vacation-some time to get away and think long and hard about where to go from here. I love the ocean. Everyone has that one place where they are truly at peace with themselves-the ocean does that for me. I sat on the beach this morning, drinking coffee and watching the sun come up... For the first time in a long time, my mind was clear. The chaos that's been swirling around in my head slowed down enough for me to make sense of it.

I finally know where to go next...